I feel like a lot of my posts on this blog are overwhelmingly positive. I’m not saying it’s wrong and not a good thing, I just feel like I need to balance the scales. So here is a post about my “insecurities”…?
What are the qualities or attitudes that I want to have but actually don’t?
I have a firm belief that I really can achieve absolutely anything as long as I put my mind to it. The only hurdle is my laziness: I don’t have the motivation. When I’m inspired, when I’m really convinced by what I’m doing, and when I actually like what I’m doing, I’m all for it! I even get competitive. And I can say that, by default, I’m not a very competitive person, which means I’m not that passionate about a lot of things. I could be, but I need a starter. I wish I was more spontaneously driven!
I don’t know why I grew up or even became shy, if that’s a thing, because I believe people don’t just become shy because they were born that way; there has to be something that caused it in their early childhood years. Or the opposite, even: the absence of something “caused” and encouraged shyness in children. (I could be wrong.) I have passed by a lot of opportunities just because I didn’t have the guts to overcome that initial shyness. I say “initial,” because for me, it really is only in the beginning. I am a “shy” person, but I don’t have stage fright. I’m pretty comfortable on the stage, and that might be because in my younger years, I have been performing in recitals thanks to music school, and declamations and speeches thanks to school. In speech classes, once you put me on the stage and give me time to speak, I can’t stop talking, and I even feel that I am someone important, whose opinions you have to listen to. 😆 Off the stage, I am the opposite — or at least, that’s what I am told. But what use is that non-shyness onstage if you can’t even make the first leap, right? I wish I was not shy at all.
I wish I was more outgoing. I honestly am not a very outgoing person. Sure, I like to think I’m friendly, maybe even approachable (hopefully), but I’m not the most energetic. While I do feel the responsibility to maintain a certain positive mood in a social environment, my approach is a little more subdued and in-the-background compared to other people’s. I am quite a low-energy individual, and while I like that part of myself and consider it a strength (I am calm and composed in situations while others are already panicking), I do wish I had the option to be more high-energy at times, especially when needed. I just don’t have the willingness and patience for it.
I also wish I had more tolerance for high energy. I get drained by things way too fast. “High energy,” may it be people, chaos, activity, anything. Maybe that’s why I will never be able to be high-energy, because I get drained by it too easily, and if I do become one, then it is a recipe for disaster of my self-stability.
I wish I stayed less in my head and more in the outside world. I could have done so many things instead of just coming up with theoretical plans and imagining them happen and unfold only in my head.
I also wish I was more talkative. You have no idea how many awkward silences I have had on dates with my friends or friends-to-be. It’s even more awkward when the other person is just not as talkative, too! Well, you can say it’s something we could bond over. It’s funny and somewhat sad at the same time.
I wish I was more fashionable! My wardrobe isn’t very good, and that’s mainly because I right now do not have the money to buy the clothes that I want. Hahaha! I also don’t really care much about being on trend. I do have a certain style that I really like, and I wish I could follow it more. I just am not fond of shopping for clothes in general, and yes, it explains everything. I only have a few clothes which I tend to repeat every week, wishing no one notices…
I wish I didn’t care much about what other people think. While I have observed as the years passed that I’ve cared lesser and lesser about what other people have to say about me, I still — to some extent — do care, to the point that I am unable to say what I really want and be true to myself. No matter how much I try, I really find other people’s opinions still important. I honestly think that it’s just who I am, so in a way, I still am true to myself. It’s not something that I can force to change, and if I do force it, it only works for a short time, before I burn out eventually. Honestly also, I feel that complete independence from other people’s feedback also is not good; in some way, it is healthy, because it can keep our feet on the ground. This is my compromise: keeping it in a moderate, just right amount.
All of these things are things I can change if I want and try hard enough. These things are things I can work on, and it’s all a matter of my attitude towards them. I didn’t bother listing here the things that I can’t change, because what use is it, right? They say that knowing the problem is 50% the solution. I wonder if, in a few years, I would have worked on these things already. We’ll see.