It is my ultimate goal in life to be free from all things.
I initially began this post writing more about emotional independence, in terms of relationships, my need for it, and its importance in my life. I realize that it is simply a subset of the bigger picture, which is my thirst for freedom in almost all areas of my life — or at least in my mental and emotional landscapes.
It could be my core personality, me before all influences, or it could also be an adaptation, a way of life I came up for myself as a response to my life thus far. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. In the end, it boils down to the same thing. I don’t know when it all started: this search for calmness and tranquility in all things. It’s always what I am aiming for. It is freedom for me, or maybe the direct result of it, or it could also be the other way around, but it doesn’t matter what order their relationship is. To me, what matters is they are intertwined. This is the core, the heart of everything, my main “motivation,” my compass, my Polaris.
It manifests differently in different aspects of my life. In relationships — friendships, romance, family, acquaintances, anything — it manifests as my need for emotional independence, the desire to grow independently as people. This is one area I’m at least sure of.
It manifests as an aversion to turbulent emotions, to negative emotions that disturb that positive calmness. Once it is disturbed, I have to find a way to make sense of and deal with the emotion in question, and the process is basically like how I described it in Out of Sight, Out of Mind. You can already imagine how much I dislike conflict. As much as possible, I try to maintain the peace.
In other things, like the “life template” the world has made for us — which is to finish an education, get a stable job, get married by a certain age, be “successful,” all these things — for me, it manifests as the desire to not follow this route, to question the essence of it and the reasoning behind it, and to go my own path and live life in my own pace. I guess, in a more general sense, it is about being independent in almost all things, in all areas of my life, in life.
Why do I do this, and why do I feel the need to? I honestly do not know. But the more I think about it, the more I’m confident that it is a response to something, to my past. It could be that. I’m thinking that maybe the me before this philosophy was unable of handling anything too tumultuous — I hate pressure, for example — and coming up with this is how I have dealt with it. This philosophy might be how I have saved myself from not drowning completely, that this might be the only way I could make sense of things from then onwards. From that perspective, it is a defense mechanism, which I am pretty sure it is. Everything is just cause-and-effect in this life. There is nothing really wrong with that. That is just how it is.
Sometimes, it is something I aim towards, something I want to achieve. Other times, it is something I am or am in; I am there, and I have achieved it. I imagine it as something like a balance. Being in equilibrium is what I want to be, and what I am most comfortable in, and what I feel is most me.
Sometimes, I do feel that it limits me. It makes me want to play safe. I don’t know. However, like in everything, I think there is always a compromise to be found somewhere. I swear, I need to stop thinking that everything is in absolutes. When I do, it always ends the same way: I’m once again reminded that nothing is really absolute in this world, there is no such thing as perfection in anything, and everything is gray — which could be translated to “compromise is always possible,” if you try hard enough, not only between people but also ideas. The way this particular paragraph went is basically also a manifestation of my philosophy.
I keep saying it’s my philosophy, but I’m sure it’s also someone else’s. I’m sure I’m not alone in this. It could just be in another form, but in essence they are the same thing.
When I’m at peace with things and myself, I feel free. I feel “above” everything, as if I am literally floating, feeling weightless. How nice it must be to not feel worldly burdens on your shoulders, doesn’t it?