Living as a “Hermit”

I am pretty much a hermit.

Loner? Check.

Recluse? Uh-huh.

Solitary? Yes.

Looking back, it is kind of amazing in some way to me that I can go on for ages and ages without “proper” human contact. I probably can live in a desert island all by myself and still stay sane until the day I die. I will not die of loneliness and insanity but die of starvation, because honestly, I don’t think I have good survival skills… Hahaha. Even though I am surrounded by people everyday, my interactions with them are all superficial: small talk. This reminds me again of Ryan Bingham from my favorite film, Up in the Air. We have the same philosophy. That’s why I love that film to bits.

When was the last time I really had a deep talk with somebody face-to-face? It could be months. The first thing that comes to mind right now is my date with one of my closest friends when I was on vacation in my hometown. That was in July, if I’m not wrong.

I am totally fine with that. I’m not craving for social interaction all the time. I am the type of person who can go on not talking to my closest friends for months and years, but the way I view and treat them don’t change at all. To me, they are still my closest, best friends, and I never look at them as if we haven’t talked in ages. I have tried and proved this. My best friends from high school and I went on our separate ways when we moved on to university. Our universities are so far apart, in different islands of the country, but every time we hang out, nothing changes. Sure, we have new stories to share, but that bond is unstrained.

At least, in my point of view.

I am so lucky to have found people who are like me in this way, because I know for sure that not everyone is like this. Other people want to talk to you almost everyday and have to bond with you regularly to maintain a friendship with you. That’s totally fine, as long as it’s healthy. I have been in a relationship before where it wasn’t the case: he wanted me to talk him 24/7, and when I don’t reply immediately he goes into this tantrum… I found that relationship very unhealthy and emotionally abusive and I never packed my bags so fast. In terms of needs, we were on total opposite ends of the spectrum.

Of course, every relationship, friendship or otherwise, is about compromise and finding that healthy balance between your wants and needs.

My being a “hermit” has gotten me into trouble many times, though: with my parents. Like I said, I can go on not contacting anyone for ages, and unfortunately, that includes my parents, too. I have been living away from them, and every time we talk over the phone or when we finally see each other after months, I always get reprimanded about not communicating to them as often. I know: it’s totally 100% my fault and I don’t have any excuse. This sounds really wrong, but I’m going to be completely honest about the reason why: it just does not cross my mind.

Something is wrong with me.

I have wondered a lot about this in the past, and I never stopped wondering. I’ve done some research about it, and I learned about attachment styles. It explained a lot, and it helped me understand myself and my relationships a little better. Obviously, I got the “dismissive attachment style” result. Apparently, it has a lot to do with how your parents (or whoever took care of you when you were little) attended to your needs when you were still a baby. It actually makes sense to me, and I found that it also matches a lot of other patterns that I have observed about myself.

However, I don’t see it as a negative thing, purely. Well, for me, there is always a positive side to things, and I prefer to look at it and hone whatever it is! The positive side to this, I believe, is my unattachment to things. I’m not easily attached to stuff, be it people, relationships, inanimate objects, events, places, anything. I’m not exactly sure if it’s correlated to my “hermit-ness,” but I don’t become easily dependent on things, which is why I don’t really need regular interaction with important people in my life a lot. I move on from things fast. I have almost zero attachments. (I have fandoms, but that’s different. When I do get into something, I dive so deep!) I can honestly say that I can die right now or have my days numbered, and I would be fine with it. (About that, I think another reason why I can say that is because I am living on my own right now and don’t have people depending on me, such as children. If I do, I would be singing a different tune.) I feel and am free.

However, even though I don’t have “attachments,” my friendships are deep, of substance, and all dear to me! All my friends are friends for life. I think the main reason why my friendships are still thriving despite me having this personality is the fact that they are not superficial. I have nothing but gratefulness and love for all of my friends. They are my soulmates in this lifetime! They are a special kind of attachment, I guess.

Then again, it is I who is like this and not the other people around me. If I go on living the way I do and not minding other people’s needs, it’s nothing but a selfish way of living. I realize that I have to pay attention to what other people also want, like my parents, for example. I’m working on it!

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