Fantasies and Frustrations

I probably am too young to write this post, and I’m sure that if I were a bit older, I would have a lot more interesting insights about this topic, but I can’t help but think about this now.

Recently, I asked myself a question, am I in the place I thought I would be ten years ago?

To be honest, I don’t know, mainly because my memory is fuzzy, and I don’t remember anything (from when I was ten years old, no less), but I’m pretty sure there’s a less than a hundred percent chance that I am presently in the place I thought I would be from the eyes of ten-year old me. I like to think that I just let things happen, and I’m pretty open-minded about experiences in general. I can’t say, “Never!” because I never really know what’s going to change.

I always wonder what would happen and how things would go if the present me meets up with a younger me. I feel like over the recent years, I’ve gone through so many changes in my life, so many experiences that altered my worldview. I have said many things before with conviction that I can’t say with as much conviction now. There are many things I could think of that I have done before that I can only describe as naive and stupid. I’m sure that the future me will also end up thinking the same way about the present me. It will never end. It may be futile, still, it is fun to compare and contrast, isn’t it?

Right now, I am a materials engineering student in the national university, which also happens to be my dream university. I currently live in a boarding house for my studies, while in the past, I stayed in dormitories. This semester, I am living alone in the room, as my roommates have transferred residences or gone away. I basically have the room all to myself, and so I’m living on my own in that way. Overall, I am doing well, and in a lot of areas, I am sure that the younger me would be proud. A few years ago, it was one of my dreams to enter the university I am in now, and the fact that I actually am attending it is one of the biggest achievements in my life so far. It was also to my advantage that I attended a really good science high school, which helped me get into where I am right now. In this case, I got what I dreamed of. This is of course the generic “life” stuff, which I luckily have covered.

When I was a lot younger, I went into music school, where I learned how to play a lot of musical instruments. I learned how to play piano, violin, banduria (which are my three major instruments), guitar, recorder, and even my own voice to a certain point. At that time, I imagined that, one day, I could live as a concert performer, or even just a lounge performer. I imagined that I could pursue a career in music and perform around the world with my teacher and my classmates. I was so young then, and the hype was there. My classmates and I were the first students, the pioneers, of that music school, and we were treated as “gifted” children, that we had “extraordinary hands.” Although we’ve — my music classmates and I — fallen apart as we grew up, I still remember them clearly. I still remember all the recitals and concerts we’ve done. Each of us even had solo concerts, and we were guests in each other’s concerts, too. I felt like it was a huge possibility in my life to pursue a career in music at that time, and what a life that would be! Now, it just seems like a faraway dream. My music teacher moved to another country, and we had substitute teachers, then the whole group just drifted apart. One by one, the members of my batch stopped attending music school, until I was the only one left of the batch. I also felt that without my original music teacher, things just weren’t the same. The new music teacher then I thought wasn’t as competent, and I felt that my skills were getting really stale, and my growth as a student was getting stunted. It got to the point where I was no longer just a student, but I even became some sort of assistant teacher to the newer students, too. Even then, I wasn’t getting better at my craft, and I wasn’t getting anywhere. In the end, I left. I was there for more than a decade.

I still play as a hobby, and thank god I haven’t forgotten all that I have learned, but there could have been so much more. If alternate universes were real, I hope that there is a version of me who pursued that dream and never lost hope.

A random memory just occurred to me: when I was in grade school, I used to get teased by one of my best friends about how I don’t know anything about technology. At that time, I didn’t know about the internet, and it was something completely foreign to me. Unknown to me and my friend, in a few years, the internet became a lot of things to me, to the point that I pursued web designing and development as hobbies. It’s a funny memory to recall!

I also considered myself a creative, an artist, when I was a lot younger. I loved drawing and writing. Back then, for many years, drawing was my favorite hobby. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t draw. It was a part of my routine, and something that I really enjoyed. When I got into computers, I stopped that hobby abruptly. I sometimes wonder, what if I hadn’t? My skill would have improved so much, and I probably would be in the same level as the artists I admire and follow on social media right now, and I wasn’t bad at all. I firmly believe I had a lot of potential, you know? But the thing was, unlike music, I never really considered drawing as a career path. I only thought of it as a hobby at most. But what if I didn’t? Where would I be now then?

Do I feel regret for all these things? For not pursuing a career in music or the arts? I’m not sure if regret is the word for it, and honestly my career path right now is not disadvantageous in any way at all, but to me, it is a lot of wasted creative potential. Still, I know that I have a degree that others would kill to have, and also that I have all the time in the world to pick these hobbies back up. Thankfully, since I only pursue them as hobbies, there is no time limit attached to them, and I can actually take the time to enjoy them, and I guess that’s the most important thing.

I also remember having these little fantasies about having my bedroom personalized. I imagined that I would have a room customized to my own tastes, but in the end, nothing really changed, and until now, I still have the same room I had when I was a kid, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! My only complaint is that it’s still full of things that aren’t even mine, and it’s being treated as some sort of storage room for the whole family. Oh well…

To end this post, I think I’m going to do the total opposite of what I started with. I’m going to write predictions of my future, or what my current fantasies are for myself a few years from now. First of all, the easiest prediction to make: I expect to have pets at my home, probably a few cats and a few dogs. I will probably have my own house, and I would have moved the piano from my family home to my current one then. Not particularly sure if I would have a family of my own, and if I do find a partner, I don’t think we’d get married in the conventional way, or if we ever marry at all. Whether or not I find someone, I would probably adopt. Not sure if I would migrate out of the country or not, but most likely not. I expect to have visited a lot of countries I’ve always wanted to visit since I was little kid. If I follow my path as of the moment, my career would be in the scientific or engineering field. If I do have a career change to the arts, I would have an amazing story to tell about it (but I don’t think it’s going to happen). In ten years, I probably would have a tattoo, too. My music skills would have improved, and I can finally improvise. I would have at least one book independently published. I most likely would have found a new skill to obsess about. Major personality change? I don’t think so, but that would be interesting. Hopefully by then, I would have the personalized room that I wanted!

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